i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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