you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
