i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
The ass gains better be worth it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
