Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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