Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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