I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
