why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
