No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
