I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
