My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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