i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
