I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
