My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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