All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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