he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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