my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
