You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
