My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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