Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
