My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
