i think my mom watched the whole time
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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