i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
