Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
