Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Randomize