Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize