im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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