i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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