Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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