wakey wakey hands off snakey
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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