im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
