I wish I could punch you in the face.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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