Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
