she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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