So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
