I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
