The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Someone shattered a urinal.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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