I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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