3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
