I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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