The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize