the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
