Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
