Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
