I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
