I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize