when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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