I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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