Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
