why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
