hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
