I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
