My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
