Swine flu. Run for my life!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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