Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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