I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
