I can text with my tongue
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
