I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
