I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
